* This is a cross-posting from a Facebook post made earlier today. I haven't been posting much personal detail there lately, and updated my friends about what was going on in my life. I've been meaning to keep a blog on this site for some time, but what happens is that I post on good old Facebook instead, then think "Oh! That was actually a blog post." So bear with me, that might happen sometimes as I figure out my presence here. Anyway, here ya go...
Suppose it's time for a more personal update:
I knew that my wonderful nanny gig was ending at the end of the school year, and perhaps you recall months ago when I posted looking for work beginning this summer. I *thought* I had found a part-time job that would have been perfect: would cover my most basic expenses, be easy going, and give me time to work on my art AND to vend.
After communicating with someone for a while, and after we both agreed that I would be working with them... all conversation stopped. I've been trying really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt more so than usual, and remained optimistic. People get busy, miss messages, etc. However, there came a point where I had to just accept that I had been ghosted... by an employer. Other circumstances were at play at the time, and let me tell you: the timing utterly sucked.
Opportunities that were on the table at the same time when I accepted this position were gone when it fell through. Because I was operating as if I had employment during the week, I paid for and obligated myself to vend at several events that are exciting for me. They also preclude me from a couple other opportunities that had cropped up.
Through all of this, I have been mostly optimistic, and focusing on making things. Right now, the timing is awkward to look for a solid paycheck job, as beginning immediately would hamper my rather full month of July. I have picked up some small gigs: Art with a Heart teaching, and babysitting here and there. I will be fine...
BUT yesterday was a bad day. I was overwhelmed and felt like everything was impossible. I have no financial cushion, and whenever I seem to get a little bit of that, some kind of crisis happens and pisses it away. It is indeed expensive to not have backup cash. Not going to detail all of that because it is depressing and there is nothing immediate I can do. Right now I am just focused on when I can pay my rent.
Thankfully, the two-year long depression that was trying to extinguish me seems to have lifted a while ago. I am having less panic attacks, and my coping skills have improved. I feel like I have learned the lesson that my depression was trying to teach me (I hope). So, I have a few tools in my tool box to move forward.
I want to enjoy the many blessings I am being given, and I'm working really hard at it. I have relative health, a supportive partner, a safe, pretty place to live, food, and friends. Even after falling off the map a little, there are people that are interested in what I do. My cats are fur monsters but seriously the best lovers. It's a beautiful summer and going outside is healing.
Even though I am in a tough spot, I am using all of my strength to view it as an opportunity to grow. I remind myself every day that I am doing what I can and to not lose focus. It's either that, or give up, and I guess I sucked at that, so moving forward it is.
I might puke. I will probably cry sometimes. Most of my socializing will be vending, babysitting, or drinking on a porch so I don't have to spend money. Buuuuuut I am trying. It's something!